Do You Ask or Do You Settle?

Are you asking for what you want or merely settling for what you think you deserve?

When I heard this question asked, on my Pastors’ virtual Couple’s Clinic, it about knocked the wind out of me. I have spent much of my adult life frustrated to the point of screaming on the inside of myself. That’s the best way I can describe the feeling,  but I know that some of you know exactly what that feels like. Screaming inside of myself, because I never seemed to get what I was asking for in relationships (romantic, business,  ministry, friendships, and family). Yet, wearing myself thin to give all of myself that these relationships required of me. I could not figure out what this feeling was rooted in, and it was to the point that I began to question how well I was communicating. I am one who has no problem speaking my mind/vocalizing what I’m thinking.

Notice, I said “what I’m thinking”, which was the problem. Let me explain, I had been so conditioned to just “be happy with what I had” and this fear of coming across as “ungrateful”. This was instilled in me by people that knew they were giving me less than what they should have, but demanded I give my all to them. It became embedded in not only my thoughts, but also deep down in the core of my entire being. “Take what you can get Shawnetta, it’s better than nothing”. So, I was essentially to blame for not receiving what I truly wanted from these relationships because I was not communicating what I wanted, ensuring that’s what I received, or knowing when to stop giving that which wasn’t reciprocated. Instead I was only communicating what I believed I deserved, which was whatever was given, and just dealt with it.

 There’s this thing called an emotional bank, much like a monetary bank, if you only make withdrawals and don’t make deposits you will find your account in the negative. My account was in the negative, total red zone, depleted. When our bank accounts are in the negative we get a notification that a deposit needs to be made. My emotional bank was alerting me (through the feeling I described earlier) that a deposit needed to be made; and I had to be the one to make it. 

How though? How do I undo a literal lifetime of a way of thinking that has caused me to sell myself short, time and time again?  I had to deposit a belief and a way of thinking that no longer said “I deserve less than he/she, this/that”. I had to instill a belief in myself that affirmed that I was worthy of not only the things I desired, but also what I gave. One of my closest friends has this saying, “Don’t ask or require anything of me that I can’t ask or require of you”. I love that saying, I have even repeated it, but never applied it because I didn’t believe it applied to me. That was until the question was posed on the broadcast.

 So if you have found yourself in this same place, I implore you to dig deep and uproot any of the negative thought processes that has you either not asking for what you truly desire, settling for anything less than that, or both. Then deposit new thoughts and new beliefs that are rooted in the foundation of you being just as worthy of the things you desire as the next person; because you truly are!